Happy 4th :)
It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are full of the truthless ideal which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded.
I want to buy him flowers, but not roses because he doesn’t like roses.
And I want to wake up every morning by rubbing my hand along his chest and telling him he’s beautiful.
I want to work hard every day so that I feel like I am supporting him and a life we have together, and at the end of that day I want him in my arms. I could get through any day knowing he was at the end of it.
I want to write the perfect melodies to every feeling he makes me feel, because sometimes there aren’t words. But music could do it justice.
I want to tell him I could marry him without feeling crazy.
I want to take him to dinner and parade him around, because while everyone would see how perfect we were together, I would only see him. I would take him anywhere, and if I couldn’t afford it, I’d be damned if I wouldn’t do everything I could to find the money to make it happen.
I want to bake him things on the weekends. Probably something with nuts, because we like nuts. Or something lemon, he loves lemon.
I want to be able to touch him when I have the impulse, which is all the time, and not feel like I’m smothering him. Or wonder if today’s one of those days where he can’t stop thinking about his ex.
I want to buy him rice krispies, but only from the mudhouse because those are his favorite, even though I think they’re rather bland.
I want to kiss him. How long I’ve wanted to kiss him. There was this one time, and it was perfect, but it didn’t last. And every day since I wish we could go back. There were definitely butterflies that day, there were butterflies all day that day.
I want to take him to another country, because we’ve never been outside the country and I can’t think of anyone better than him to share that experience with.
I want to take him to my family’s Thanksgiving. I’ve never brought a boyfriend to a family function. I’ve always looked forward to that. I would feel so proud to introduce him to my family as my boyfriend.
I want to tell him about the life I see with him, and all the things we could have together. I want to tell him that I believe we could have everything and we could have the greatest happiness. I want to tell him all these things and convince him of how much I truly believe in it all.
I want to promise that I’d do all these things if he just makes one promise in return and that’s to stay with me. I wish I could say that maybe if he knew that I’d do anything for him, that maybe he’d give us a try. I think he does know these things.
But it just isn’t enough.